DANG IT this process of writing is freakin' HARD.
There is so much mental conditioning to unravel before I'm going to be any good at this. But I want it, and I'm going for it, so let's see if I can work it out.
I've been drafting things the past 48 hours, three separate pieces on different subjects, and in each one I'm realizing that I tend to subtly censor myself with gradually increasing frequency until I shut down into full-scale writer's block.
And then no matter how hard I try to circumvent the block, the censored bits and pieces blare in my head YOU SHALL NOT PASS and I realize, with sinking dread, that it's not actually happening tonight.
For example, I'm afraid to share positively about my boyfriend sleeping peacefully beside me right now as I type these stammering phrases into the dead of night. He's relaxed for once, his breathing steady and even, giving off a most restful vibe as I try to calm my anxiety and physical discomfort enough to sleep myself.
I cannot think to write the above paragraph without freezing inside. A large number of family and friends would want to confront me on my boyfriend and I sharing the same bed. Some would be shocked; others, just "disappointed" in my lifestyle choices. All would be seeking some sort of engagement from me on the subject.
I'm not well enough to handle that. Not gracefully, not with healthy boundaries. The wounds left by conservative Christian culture are still too fresh.
But something deep inside me is finished hiding, ready or not. Because I'm not ashamed of the beautiful things in my life, even if others view them differently.
I will learn how to do this. The freedom with which I've written elsewhere, anonymously, is something I want to bring home under my name and take ownership of it. I also want to be able to write that way fresh, as Heidi Mull, in spite of all my fears about failing or looking stupid or immature compared to wherever I'll be in a few years' time. This is me right now, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I may be struggling but I'm working for what I want, and there's solid dignity in that fact alone.
I'm going to publish this, I'm going to hold my head high, and then I'm going get back to that list of about what I accomplished week towards making a writing career seriously happen. Because I am moving forward. It helps me to remember that on nights like these.